The other day I came across a post from a young man laying out a bill of particulars accusing his parents of a playing favorites with his younger sister. Without recreating the entirety of his complaint, the writer noted that he had been held to very high academic performance while his sibling was allowed to coast through high school and did not go to college. He was made to work from the age of sixteen to help pay his tuition, his sister, now an adult, was still living at home with her parents having never worked a day in her life. The sister spent her parent's money on clothes and cosmetics, the son lived on his own and bore all his expenses without assistance.
Quite a few folks who commented on the post fueled this fellow's resentment, agreeing that he had been treated unjustly and deserved redress. I didn't. In fact I suggested that whatever consideration had prompted the parents to act as they had, they had done him a favor. To me the evidence was clear. This young man had learned to make his way in the world, on his own. He had graduated college, was on his way in pursuit of his career, owed no debt to anyone for his accomplishments and knew that whatever adversity he might face in the future he had the capacity to overcome it, all thanks to his parents.
In contrast, his sister was in for a rude awakening. She had no skills, a limited education, no sense of what it took to be self supporting and more than likely an attitude of entitlement. Her parents had not served her well. Too often we are taught to believe that adversity is a bad thing, or that our job as parents is to shield our children from it. But is that really what is in their best interests?
Many years ago I worked on a project that brought students from a NYC area school up to a farm in Southern NH along with their teacher(s). From 3rd grade through high school students spent two weeks at a time studying and working together, cooking, cleaning, gathering or chopping wood in the Fall to keep the buildings heated, and helping with all of the many chores necessary to maintain a working farm. Much of the food consumed came from the crops students planted and harvested and the animals they helped raise and clean up after. If you have ever worked on a farm, you know it isn't easy, there are schedules to follow and even when the weather is bad the chores must be done.
To their credit I rarely heard much grumbling from the students--even 3rd graders vied for a chance to muck out the barn. But one 7th grader was very unhappy on the day she arrived and made it clear she was not going to participate. It was not our policy to force children to stay so when this young lady asked to telephone her parents I did so and after she had spoken to her father she handed me the phone. Her father told me he would be leaving immediately and making the 4 hour drive to pick up his daughter that very evening. Just as we sat down to a communal dinner, he arrived.
I asked to speak with him for a minute before he made the return trip home with his daughter in tow. I suggested that perhaps she was just homesick and would be fine in a day or so. I also observed that she would miss out on an experience that the rest of her class enjoyed and might feel left out if she did not stay. The father was adamant, however. He said that he had grown up in the wake of the Great Depression, had been made to work very hard and by dint of his efforts had made a successful place for himself in the world. He vowed that no child of his would ever have to work. And then they left.
It came as little surprise to me to learn that a few months later this young lady left the school. I know that her father thought he was doing the right thing for her, but I don't believe he understood that the self-reliance he learned as a young man helped him become successful. By indulging his daughter's aversion the father was undermining her future ability to rise above challenges, to stand for herself.
As parents we don't always get everything right. We want what is best for our kids but that isn't always obvious. It's ok to stand in the wings and encourage, to hope for the best and be prepared to comfort our kids when they fail or find the going tough. But we need to love them enough to let them learn what we had to find out for ourselves. Life isn't easy sometimes. Work, even hard work is required of us and even then not everything goes our way. If we deny our children the opportunity to grow, to overcome obstacles, to become the best people they are able to be we weaken them and rob them of the knowledge they can stand on their own.
We'll always be there waiting, ready to help if they need us, that's our job too. The poet Kahlil Gibran put it this way:
"And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children. And he said: Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable".
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