Over the course of the last year, and more recently following the events of January 6th, stories emerge of individuals who have acquired a new-found awareness of the suffering of others. These stories follow a familiar pattern. A resolute believer in a cause is shocked to find his or her beliefs upended when they personally experience a negative outcome. Many of these stories have been about people who were adamant that Covid was a hoax or would not harm them and subsequently contracted the virus or sadly lost a loved one to the disease. Others profess shock at the violence and treason of rioters at the Capitol and have since renounced their political affiliation or at least moderated their association.
We should not be surprised that when faced with a dire circumstance in their own lives some people become contrite, even remorseful, identifying with victims of the same harm. But we should not confuse this behavior with empathy. Our world is filled with suffering. Hunger, sickness, homelessness, and violence are present everywhere. If our beliefs and actions are prompted solely by personal experience and do not arise from a deeper sense of compassion, they are no less valid, but largely a learning opportunity. We should not assume that personal experience inevitably leads to a greater identification with human suffering.
Observing very young children we see a forecast of the natural behaviors, both good and bad, that are part of being human. For the most part infants are vivid examples of the best we can expect of the human race. Curious, playful, yet at times willful, most children will learn the character that defines them as adults in these early years. With generous and loving guidance, willfulness and self-absorption will be tempered and their native instincts will lead them toward cooperation, selflessness and compassion. This is empathy—a response of the highest order that springs from our desire to protect and nurture. If they are not perverted by abuse or examples of selfishness, hatred or bias children will grow into adults who place the welfare of others even higher their own.
Some children do not receive positive correction or worse are subject to examples of cruelty, narcissistic self-involvement, willful disobedience and other behaviors that mark them for life. When they are subject to the same, they will express angry shock or seek relief. They may show signs of identification with others who have been similarly harmed or become even more imbued with a sense of personal grievance. In such cases, a sense of injustice at what has occurred turns inward and fuels an even greater resentment that can only lead to further destructive behavior towards themselves and or others at a future date.
Oversimplifying this nature vs. nurture dichotomy—we are products of both our natural instinct to treat others as we wish to be treated, and the lessons and experience of our formative years. It is rare, though not unheard of for people to change their fundamental behaviors based on a single revelation. It’s been said that life is a poor instructor, doling out tests in advance of life’s lessons. The key is understanding that every experience we encounter is a defining one—that the human instinct to care for family, loved ones, our children and our neighbors is not just acquired but must be encouraged and validated at every turn.
We can only do this through the process of reflection. If we go through our lives acting and reacting without thought as to the consequences of our behavior for us and for those around us, we will never change and our path through life is likely to be bitter. If through personal experience we gain insight –even if limited to the specific circumstances of harm, we may be led to change—though that path is often filled with setbacks and reversals. It is never too late to alter our trajectory—to re-learn what we once knew and if we cannot undo what harm we have done, we can at least resolve to go forward with a new sense of empathy. As tempting as it may be to view expressions of remorse as deathbed conversions, we should never reject them but become allies in the revelation. To do otherwise is to become an example of what we must understand led to these sad circumstances. Empathy has no conditions, no use by date. It is always newly made.
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